Yes. I am reviewing a game called Spermrider: Seed of Destruction. And that is not a euphemism or metaphor for something else - you are, quite literally, a Spermrider.
Well! Let's have a look, shall we?
Oh, how to describe a game such as Spermrider. Hoooooow to describe. The story's damn simple: you, the spermrider, have come to town on your... giant, floating sperm... with one goal: destroy as much as possible. This generally means crushing people and smashing military machines to bits.
And there are military machines. Oh yes.
In more practical terms, Spermrider is a side-scrolling flier, for lack of a neater category. Spinning about on your giant sperm, you mangle anything that gets in your way. Destroy enough stuff and you'll move on to the next level, which is BASICALLY the exact same as the previous level, only with a new, more difficult brand of foe to defeat in addition to the old bunch (which includes soldiers, helicopters, planes, tanks and, after a while, laser-toting zeppelins).
Yeah. It's difficult to describe Spermrider. Best just to play the thing - you'll understand.
Controls are of paramount importance in Spermrider, and for the most part they do just fine. The sperm will move of its own volition at all times; you just have to give it direction, aiming the sperm with the left and right buttons. Doing so will spin the sperm clockwise or counterclockwise. You can also speed the feller up with either SHIFT or the up key, handy for escaping enemy fire.
I have no problems with the controls. They're simple to figure out after some practice flying. I was more annoyed at using those controls to deflect enemy fire, as you can slap projectiles out of the sky and back at your attackers with your sperm's tail. The slow rotation of the sperm makes this veeeeery tough to do, and though you can beat most of the game without having to resort to deflection, there's one level that absolutely requires the tactic. Stupid tanks. Snappier turning to remedy this, perhaps? (Or maybe I just suck at spermriding?)
I read the name 'Spermrider' before I actually saw the game and action, so I figured it would be a crappy porn game with terrible visuals. Not so on either account, really - it's a clever (if nonsensical) game, and the graphics are actually kinda neat.
Spermrider's visuals are pretty much the results of somebody going to town with some pencil crayons. Everything has a slightly sketchy feel befitting some of the best old school cartoon shorts, particularly when you hit the silly cut scenes between levels. I would argue that Spermrider's presentation is probably its strongest quality, even if the transitions between stages and cut scenes are a little abrupt.
Spermrider's main character is a little cowboy, and you can't have a cowboy without some acoustic accompaniment. And, fittingly, the game's tunes are, for the most part, drawn from the strings of a guitar, providing a near-relaxing-but-at-times-high-octane feel. I overall approve of the musical choices, especially the funeral dirge that plays when your sperm bites the dust.
Spermrider's middle of the road difficult. It's not very hard to play, and there are only five levels in all, so advanced players with experience in dizzying flight-destruction games such as this should be able to plow their way through in about twenty minutes. There are some tricky bits (the aforementioned tank level being my primary nemesis), but even the final stage with the zeppelins isn't too taxing - and there are custom games and mini games available afterward, so your play can continue in some capacity.
WILL you keep playing? That's questionable. I don't know that there's enough difficulty or replay value to warrant lingering over Spermrider. Still, for those willing to endure, there is fun to be had.
Spermrider: Seed of Destruction ain't expansive, it ain't cutting-edge and it sure as hell ain't for everyone, inoffensive though the giant flying sperm may be. That said it's nevertheless a solid, fun browser game, and worth taking for a spin around the block.
PLAY SPERMRIDER: SEED OF DESTRUCTION